“It feels weird to be alive, but I intend to make something of it”

I started using drugs when I was 16. It became an obsession from the very start. I’d use anything and everything. I used to get nurses handbooks just to look up new drugs to take. I drank heavily as well – I used to drink before ever going out anywhere.

I moved away from home when I was young and ended up living in squats around Leeds and London. I was about 21 when I got into heroin.

Then there was a series of failed relationships. My son was born addicted to heroin and methadone. He was premature and really poorly. He was in a special care baby unit which was very traumatic. I was just 28 at the time.

I’ve had various jobs and been through phases of not using so much and staying on methadone. I was driving trucks and did a welding course but never went anywhere with it. I started and never finished.

I’ve been in services for 30 years. I was on methadone for 26 years. Now I am abstinent from all illicit drugs and alcohol.

I went to rehab in 2017. I thought rehab would teach me how to use drugs normally, but I didn’t consider abstinence. It was a real eye opener when I went there.

I went to a detox in Bradford for four weeks and was so sick but that was the start of things turning around. It felt with the detox like I’d been asleep all my life, living in a haze.

I’d always thought it was anybody’s fault but mine. Suddenly, I had a realisation that it was me at the heart of it and my choices. I was able to see my way out of it and have a fresh perspective.

The groups in rehab were intense: you poured your heart out and everyone was in tears. It was terrifying, sat with strangers, sober, talking about such personal things. But I thrived in rehab. That was the start that got me a foothold in recovery.

I’m now volunteering in North Yorkshire Horizons. I have the knowledge and am passionate about helping other people. I have started to rebuild relationships with my son and parents recently. I made a lot of broken promises before and my son wouldn’t talk to me for a long time.

All of my friends I was using with have lost arms and legs and many of them died. I’ve tried to hang myself and used to want to die. It feels weird to be alive. I intend to make something of it.

Now, I have a new house I’m decorating. I’m getting into doing artwork, I’m just learning what I enjoy doing as I haven’t had any interests since I was a young lad.

It’s like my life has been on hold for 35 years. I’m discovering things about myself I didn’t know. I used to just work and take drugs and commit crimes. I’m excited to see what’s lying ahead. Everything’s looking hopeful now.

I spend time with my son. It was his 30^th birthday recently and I had a great day with him and the family.

I’ve seen people come to groups and say it’s not for me. But you don’t have to give up. With heroin, I didn’t have to think about life or have any responsibilities. It worked for a long time, but it doesn’t do anything anymore.

My message to you is start something new. There is always hope.

I never expected to make it to this age and I’m so glad to be alive.